Men have been a struggle in my life. Even when I got married, the man I married had trauma and baggage of his own that he didn’t know how to deal with. During my childhood, I never had a consistent dad. I had substantial daddy issues. I remember my mom dating and telling us how bad the dates were. I felt awful for her that her heart was longing for a relationship, but also, she had three kids to take care of.
She met a man, then, sometime later, got engaged to him. The guy wasn’t all that great. He was the one who ruined spaghetti and meatballs for me for pretty much my whole life up until four years ago. He had two kids, who he favored over my siblings and me. During that time, I met my biological dad. He tried to win me over by spending money on me. Then, the two other times I saw him during the short time he was here, he abused me and blamed me for getting a ticket while driving. Later in life, I found out he was only here to claim me on his taxes and to try to get his green card here in the U.S. So far, my earthly fathers weren’t all exciting. Eventually, my mom and almost future stepdad split up.
In time, my mom met my stepdad, let’s call him Gorge. I was 9 or 10 years old at the time. The first time I met him was at a fair, and I also met his daughter, let’s call her Trina. She was a few years younger than me. I instantly didn’t like her because I had to miss out on all the ‘big kid rides’ to watch and play with her. I regret the way I treated her. As the relationship between my mom and Gorge grew, the relationship between Trina and me grew. It was a huge blessing to have her as a friend. Eventually, Gorge and my mom got married.
Growing up with my new blended family, I knew God existed, but I didn’t have a relationship with him. We sometimes went to church and sometimes prayed, but Gorge felt abandoned by God, so he didn’t pray much, which meant our family didn’t have a man of the house who led us to Christ.
As time went on, we found out who Gorge really was. he wasn’t the man that we thought. Turns out he was an abusive alcoholic. So this man, who I thought I could call a loving daddy, turned out to be a monster in my mind.
My longing for love and affection from a father figure led me to seek attention from other men. I, unfortunately, lost my virginity at the age of 16, and then the day after, he broke up with me. And it was downhill from there. Thank God He surrounded me with angels throughout the things I’ve done.
I got into relationships to feel a connection with a male. Of my few relationships, Trina would try to steal the attention away to get my boyfriend to focus on her. As I write this, God showed me she did that because she longed for affection from a male, too. Warranted, her dad wasn’t emotionally and mentally there for us.
I was mad at Trina for a while until I just understood why she did it.
Anyway, after a few breakups and a long break from men, I met my husband (who God put in my life in middle school! That’s a whole other story) in 2017 and married in 2018. I thought everything would be perfect; he was a ‘good’ Christian, loved God, his family was ‘perfect,’ and seemed like sunshine and flowers.
A year into our marriage, I found out he was addicted to pornography and marijuana.
Did my world stop and fall through the ground when I found this out?
(That is a whole other story, too!)
I had to dive deeper into God when I got this news. Because if I didn’t know, I would have been with my husband now.
The one Man in my life who was consistent was God. He has been there for me when I didn’t have a relationship with Him, and when I did, I disobeyed Him and turned my back on Him. He loves us even through the mess, even through the defiantness we give Him. God cares and loves us so much that He sent His ONE and ONLY son, sinless, pure, and not a stain of fault, to walk on this earth. To be beaten and mocked and die on the cross. And take ALL the blame for OUR sins, OUR mess, OUR disobedience to death with him. Then He beat death and ROSE again three days later so He can be the bridge to have a relationship with God, our heavenly father. The only father who will not fail us. He wants YOU and me. He wants and craves a relationship with us. His daughters. (John 3:16)
Ladies, we are all fearfully and perfectly made(psalm 139:14); we are ROYALTY(1 Peter 2:9). We are BRIDES( 2 Corinthians 11:1-4) of a prince of peace, a savior, a KING of kings, and a LORD of lords. His name is Jesus, Yeshua, Immanuel, Messiah, and Counselor.
His name is YAHWEH.
If you have not accepted him as your LORD and Savior, I urge you to do so now. I will say a prayer for you and encourage you to say it aloud.
Dear heavenly Father,
Thank you so much for sending your son to die on the cross for my sins and shame. I believe he was sent to the cross to die for me and my sins; I believe he rose again after three days and left my sin and shame in the grave. Jesus, I accept you into my heart to be LORD over my life. Give me a new heart; give me a fresh start.
In Jesus name, amen.
If you have prayed that prayer, I am so excited for you to meet and have a relationship with your heavenly father and your new husband!
If you struggle to connect with God I HIGHLY recommend getting this 40-day devotional!